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Saturday
Dec052009

Transylmania

Being December, I today decided that it was time to start putting together a list of the best and worst movies of the year. I looked at what I had seen, re-read some of my reviews and put 10 films in order for each list to prep for my write-ups (which you can look forward to in the coming weeks). Perhaps I structured them too soon because I just got out of Transylmania a mere three hours ago and it has rightfully earned the top spot as the worst movie of the year.

The story, as if it matters, follows a group of students who decide to study abroad for a semester over in Romania, at the vampire laden Transylvania. They hole themselves up at Razvan University, which used to be a castle for the evil Radu, who has been gone for quite some time looking for his lost love whose soul was trapped in a music box by a vampire hunter. Eventually, the box finds itself back to the castle and Radu has a run-in with the kids.

I've purposely avoided naming the characters or the actors playing them because even if I did name them, you wouldn't know who they were. Even the lowest, most disrespected of the D-list celebrities wouldn't be caught dead in this crap. How this made it to theaters is one of this year's greatest mysteries. It screams straight to DVD, devoid of one single positive trait. I've made more interesting bowel movements.

Transylmania is one of the most unfunny movies I've ever seen and I never throw a claim like that out unless I really mean it. The film hardly even looks like it's trying, making a bare minimum of jokes, none of which are funny and all of which are lazy and insulting. Disaster Movie has more credibility than this garbage.

I see a lot of movies and I debated over whether or not to see this one and eventually did. As soon as the lights dimmed, I immediately regretted my decision. Every character follows the typical teen movie formula. You have the pot smokers, the blonde bombshell and the awkward virgin. The jokes don't fare much better, consisting of drug jokes, fart jokes and excessive slapstick. If I had a dollar for every time somebody fell down, I could put a down payment on an LA condo.

Here's to you Transylmania. Your sets are atrocious, your acting is awful, your humor is juvenile, your story is inconsequential, your direction is amateurish and you've successfully beaten out other "worst of the year" contenders like Halloween II, Imagine That and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, which is no small feat. How you made it past the straight to DVD market is inexplicable. Bravo, Transylmania. Bravo.

Transylmania receives a far too kind 0/5

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