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G-Force follows a team of guinea pigs, Darwin (Sam Rockwell), Juarez (Penélope Cruz), and Blaster (Tracy Morgan) and their cyber intelligence specialist, Speckles the mole (Nicolas Cage), as they attempt to bring down an evil billionaire named Leonard Saber (Bill Nighy) who plans on destroying the world with his line of household appliances through an evil operation known as "Clusterform." This film is a cluster something.

But alas, their government support is dwindling and their funding is being stripped away. If only Disney had stripped funding from these filmmakers. Instead, they release this cinematic excretion, diluting our children's brains with enough insipidity to ensure that future generations remain stolid and submissive under the rule of the corporation's strangehold.

I'll concede this. Contrary to what my title suggests, G-Force is good for kids. But when I say that, I mean it is appropriate, not entertaining or intelligent. That is to say that parents will find little, if any, objection to it (minus the stereotypical "urban" guinea pig who just so happens to be black, although that can't compare to the egregious racism displayed in last month's Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), though I'm hopeful that most kids will be able to see how trifling this cobbled together catastrophe is compared to other kid friendly films released this year, like the terrific Pixar masterpiece, Up.

The trailers do a good job of communicating just how ridiculous the story and childish the humor is (Zach Galifianakis as the team leader says to his agent fly at the thought of him sustaining an injury, "I don't like it when my fly is down"), so instead of sounding like a curmudgeonly old coot (Damn kids and your stupid talking animal movies!), I'll focus on its strengths.

Even with all of its deficiencies, G-Force's animation is quite good. The guinea pigs, moles, and other computer animated critters were superbly crafted. One CGI heavy scene involves a chase between the guinea pigs in their motorized rolling balls and the FBI as they approach an area with hundreds of fireworks prepped to blow, all exploding as they weave in and out of the potentially deadly blasts. It was a spectacular sequence heightened by the excellent use of Carl Orff's "O Fortuna" that made me smile and laugh. Unfortunately, this is the only moment in the entire movie that made me do that.

That isn't due to lack of trying, however. The talented voice cast was uniformly impressive, including Nicolas Cage who brillianty disguises his noticeable tone and, ironically, delivers his best performance in years. The sole exception is Tracy Morgan who voices one of the most annoying characters in a movie this year, spouting off eye rolling one liners with an overly loud emphasis, an irritating cacophony of sounds similar to what a dying dog would sound like if it could speak.

Like many films these days, G-Force uses 3D to "enhance" the experience, despite the format's tendency to be distracting, coupled with the reduced vibrancy of the color palette due to the tinted glasses. While it works for some, most movies use it unnecessarily. G-Force, however, uses it well. Since it is not a fully animated movie, it doesn't deprive your visual sense of what would be colorful stimulation. Without the 3D, G-Force would be unwatchable.

It's almost like that anyway.

G-Force receives 1/5

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