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Vampires Suck

There’s a fine line a critic must walk when reviewing a movie. Acting and directing are important parts of film and a proper critique of those aspects is necessary, but I try not to get personal. While I’ve bashed a number of high profile stars, I try to do so within the context of the film I am analyzing. I have nothing against them as human beings. But when it comes to Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the walking tumors behind some of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, including Epic Movie and Disaster Movie, I feel like it would be my duty to punch them in the wiener if I ever came into contact with them. They know damn well what they’re doing and their latest cinematic abortion comes in the form of Vampires Suck, a toxic, brain deadening succubus of a movie that will leave all but the most easily pleased moviegoers with a feeling of despair. If this is what comes off as entertainment these days, surely the end is near.

As expected, Vampires Suck spoofs vampire movies, though “spoof” isn’t really the right word because this isn’t one. This is merely mimicry of the Twilight franchise with farts. It does a better job of following its inspiration than Meet the Spartans or Disaster Movie, which couldn’t even do that, but spoofing Twilight and juvenilely replaying it out are two different things.

But I suppose the biggest problem is that the Twilight franchise practically spoofs itself. New Moon especially, which, by all accounts, is terrible, is so laden with laughs that it puts Vampires Suck to shame. The fact that this plague of a film couldn’t even upend New Moon is just sad.

All Friedberg and Seltzer do is state the obvious, observations that the rest of the world has already caught onto, but they just seem to be figuring out. Tired jokes about Jacob’s obligatory shirtlessness and the Team Edward/Team Jacob feud are all this thing has to offer. Ironically, Vampires Suck bashes Twilight for using its overemotional melodrama as an obvious ploy to grab viewers, as if they have the right to tell anyone they’re being obvious.

If a particular scene is lacking an easy target, these hack jobs get lost and desperately start to reference pop culture, including other movies irrelevant to the very nature of Vampires Suck. “Jersey Shore,” Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, The Black Eyed Peas, “Gossip Girl,” Dear John, Alice in Wonderland, even the Chris Brown/Rihanna beatings all make appearances in various forms.

In spite of all of this, there’s one positive aspect to Vampires Suck: its lead star Jenn Proske, who plays the Bella role. Whereas the other actors merely look similar to their actor counterparts, she perfectly imitates Kristen Stewart, matching her voice and mannerisms to a tee. In a film that harbored even the slightest bit of humor, she would have been fantastic and she deserves recognition, even if the rest of Vampires Suck does not.

The story flows along a similar path to the Twilight films, including the love triangle between the newly named Jacob Black and Edward Sullen (sullen—get it?!), but misses the spoof aspect by a mile. I guess the kindest thing I can say about Vampires Suck is that it lives up to its name. There are plenty of vampires and a whole lot of suck.

Vampires Suck receives 0.5/5

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