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The Virginity Hit

News flash! Teenage boys are obsessed with sex. They fantasize about it, watch it and talk about it with their friends. Their world revolves around it. If you are one of those high school boys who really doesn't know any better and thinks having sex is the most important thing you can do, then I have nothing to say to you. For those who have grown up and can think with the head that’s on your shoulders rather than the one in your pants, I’m here to bring you words of caution. Avoid The Virginity Hit at all costs.

Teen sex comedies are no stranger to cinema. Porky’s, Fast Times at Ridgemont High and the more recent American Pie have taught us that when boys hit puberty, they also hit an intellectual wall because their brains are overrun by stupefied thoughts of what they hope to do with the opposite sex. The Virginity Hit is largely the same, only it doesn’t have the lasting ability of those films. Despite sticking to the tried and true formula, it fails in every regard and only separates itself from the rest of the teen sex comedy pack by using the recent cinematic fad: the mockumentary.

The story, as if it needs explaining, follows a foursome of guys as they enter into high school and make a pact to lose their virginity. As each one does, they take a hit from a bong, hence the title. After some time, all have accomplished their goal except for Matt (Matt Bennett). He has a steady girlfriend named Nicole (Nicole Weaver), with whom he hopes to do the deed, but after finding out that she cheated on him, he falls out of love with her and refuses to go through with it. So his friends embark on a quest to help him out, no matter the cost.

There’s an easy explanation as to why The Virginity Hit is as derivative and bland as it is. It’s written by the same guys who wrote The Last Exorcism, a horror movie that borrowed all of its shocks from other, more effective horror movies. The writers must not have a single original thought in their heads, but the movie’s familiarity isn’t the problem. It’s that the whole thing is remarkably unfunny, one of the driest, most barren wastelands of comedic dreck I’ve sat through in a while. Every immature joke falls flat, but I suppose immaturity is what I should have expected, given the suggested age of the characters (not even legal adults in most areas). An endless barrage of sexual jokes and explosive potty humor (literally) is all it has to offer.

And that’s a problem because outside of the truthfulness that all young guys think passing the arbitrary hurdle of sex is the only thing worth accomplishing, it fails to capture the authenticity of being a teenager. American Pie may have been childish, but it was real. I knew those characters in high school and even saw myself (to a certain extent) in one of them. There was a feeling of connection with that film because it drew from real life experiences. The Virginity Hit, to put it lightly, goes off the rails. The characters trespass and break into people’s homes, visit strip clubs (despite the ambiguity of their actual age) and even hook up with real life porn star, Sunny Leone. Similar to how the overrated, but still decent, Superbad went too far in its depiction of wild teenagers, The Virginity Hit feels fake and forced.

When I was teenager, I, like every other kid my age, thought about sex and girls a lot. I discussed it with friends and waited for the day to cross the threshold into manhood. Then I grew up. Those who haven’t may find something to like in The Virginity Hit, but I certainly didn’t and those who value the circulation of blood in their brain over other areas won’t either.

The Virginity Hit receives 0.5/5

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