Here Comes the Boom

It has become far too easy to dismiss Kevin James movies. If his name is attached to it, one can fairly reason that they should be expecting lots of fat-guy-fall-down jokes and slapstick humor of all kinds. If there’s a painful part of the body someone could take damage to, chances are James will endure that pain. Looking through his filmography is like watching a painfully unfunny highlight reel of what amounts to the lowest form of comedy. His best movie, one could argue, is 2005’s Hitch, but not because it’s an outstanding film; it was just nice enough to give us a script and an idea, regardless of how mundane they were. His latest, however, breaks his trend of unwatchable disasters. Here Comes the Boom is certainly not high art, but then again, it never claims to be.

James plays Scott Voss, a high school Biology teacher whose love for the job has dwindled over the years. He doesn’t really do all that much for his school because of it, but he’s soon called to action when the school announces budget cuts and that they’re getting rid of the music program, run by the high spirited and loving Marty Streb, played by Henry Winkler. The school is short $48,000 and at the end of the year, the man will lose his job, but Scott decides to take matters into his own hands. He wrestled in school when he was younger and was actually pretty good, so he decides to take up mixed martial arts after learning some fighters earn $10,000 just for losing—besides, the two sports can’t be all that different. Also a teacher of an evening citizenship class, Scott eventually employs his student Niko, an ex-MMA fighter played by Bas Rutten, to train him and save the school.

It’s not unusual to see Kevin James fall down and get hit, but most of the time, it’s contextually inappropriate, a lazy ploy to garner a cheap laugh, but in Here Comes the Boom, the constant abuse he takes comes from the inherent violence of the sport itself. Aside from one early moment where he crawls through an open window and crashes to the floor, the slapstick is kept to a minimum. The most obvious attempt at forced slapstick humor comes when his trainer kicks a medicine ball in disgust through a gym and it hits someone in the head, though even then, even when the movie is taking the low road, you can take solace in the fact that it’s not James subjecting himself to such embarrassments. In Here Comes the Boom, he keeps his head held high and his pride intact, which results in him flexing his acting skills instead of his uncanny ability to absorb damage. While by no means an award winner, he’s quite good here and crafts a sympathetic character who longs to do the right thing.

Although characters like him are a dime a dozen in the movies, it’s the timeliness of his intentions that resonate the most. In a time when the public school system seems to be getting worse and worse by the day, it’s refreshing to see a film that portrays a teacher (or, more specifically, teachers) who actually care enough about their students and co-workers to stand up and fight for them, in this case literally. This is a guy who ends up finding meaning in his life by helping others. Sure, his transition from uncaring, disgruntled teacher to high school hero is obvious from the get go (as is his eventual relationship with the school nurse, Bella, played by Salma Hayek), but it would be disingenuous of me to say I didn’t care about what he was doing or that I wasn’t rooting for him to win.

Here Comes the Boom clearly wants you to feel that way, but it tries far too hard, piling on so much cheese that the actual film reel starts to smell. Supposedly touching moments are so overbearing to the point of uncomfortableness; only the talented Henry Winkler manages to pull them off. His love for music and his desire to share that love with others is infectious and heartwarming. When he opens up to Scott near the end, it’s actually kind of moving. Of course, this moving moment wouldn’t have come had it not been for the horribly contrived twist that strips Scott of all the money he had made up to that point, forcing him to win the final match to save the music program and Marty’s job, so it’s a give and take.

But what it amounts to is perhaps Kevin James’ greatest starring role. That may be faint praise when compared to the atrocities he’s subjected us to in the past, but this is a good step towards maturity. Here Comes the Boom has meaning, heart, a radiant Salma Hayek and a very much missed Henry Winkler. It’s also a good showcase for  how James can carry a movie when not relegated to bodily harm and gross-out humor. It’s certainly a mixed film and it’s barely recommendable, but the fact that it’s recommendable at all is cause for celebration.

Here Comes the Boom receives 2.5/5

Hotel Transylvania

Hotel Transylvania may pretend to be something other than an Adam Sandler movie, but make no mistake, it is an Adam Sandler movie from beginning to end. It stars all of his usual movie pals and has the same obnoxious toilet humor he always seems so drawn to. If you haven’t liked his other recent films, there’s really no reason you’ll enjoy this, but I’ll give it one thing. At least it doesn’t hide under the guise of adulthood. The immature humor and forced messages are still here, but at least they fit the targeted audience. Aimed largely at children, the film stresses the importance of accepting others regardless of their differences and if lowest common denominator humor is the only way to get that point across to the little ones, then I guess it succeeds.

Dracula (Adam Sandler) is an overprotective father. His daughter, Mavis (Selena Gomez), wants nothing more than to see the world, but he insists leaving will only bring her harm because the humans she’ll run into are evil. To protect her, he has built a giant mansion (that doubles as a hotel) far away from humankind and protected on all sides by haunted forests, zombie graveyards and more. Only monsters, ghouls and goblins can get in and boy, do they. Mavis is about to turn 118 and monsters from all over flood in to celebrate. There’s Frankenstein (Kevin James), Wayne the werewolf (Steve Buscemi), his wife Wanda (Molly Shannon), Griffin the Invisible Man (David Spade), Quasimodo (Jon Lovitz) and many more. However, a human named Jonathan (Andy Samberg) has somehow infiltrated Dracula’s hotel. His presence threatens to ruin both his daughter’s party and the hotel’s patronage, given that he promised security from those awful human beings.

If Adam Sandler’s movies could be judged solely by how few poop and fart jokes they contain, then Hotel Transylvania would be his best in quite some time. It has, I don’t know, probably less than ten (and at least four in the first ten minutes) in the entire movie, which may be some sort of record for the man who is seemingly obsessed with all kinds of bodily fluids and secretions. Luckily, the movie has more merits than its reduction of poop jokes (in comparison). It may have a simple premise like many of Sandler’s other movies, but the idea of bringing classic monster movie creatures together into one building allows for more creativity than the one-joke idea of slapping a wig and some make-up on Sandler and trying to pass him off as his own sister.

Hotel Transylvania, though hardly visionary, at least manages to make good with its source material, in particular evoking memories of “fire bad” from the Frankenstein monster (which is more a reference to a Frankenstein spoof on Saturday Night Live than the actual Frankenstein movies themselves) and having fun with the whole idea of the Invisible Man, like the question on everybody’s mind: if you put your hand in the Invisible Man’s mouth, would it disappear? Further fun includes pantsing the Invisible Man, which exposes his invisible genitals, and a Twilight reference (“Is this how we’re represented?” asks Dracula) that’s bound to make the more cultured movie fans chuckle.

But aside from those humorous moments that spoof classic monster movies, there isn’t much here for adults. Hotel Transylvania is a kids movie through and through. It’s one of the more tolerable ones, mind you, and it teaches a valuable lesson that is too often ignored in a world full of hate: none of us are monsters and we all deserve love and respect. You could do a whole lot worse this weekend than taking your kid to see it, but despite its good intentions, it feels too much like mild spoof when it should be intelligent parody to be recommendable.

Hotel Transylvania receives 2/5

Zookeeper

I have to imagine Kevin James is a likable fellow. He strikes me as the type of person who, if approached on the street, wouldn’t mind chatting with fans, signing autographs and taking a few pictures. However, that affableness doesn’t make up for the fact that he’s made us sit through some of the trashiest, most foul, unwatchable pieces of garbage to come out in recent years. While he may be a nice guy in real life, he has never impressed in his films, which are almost always heavy-laden with physical comedy, an area where his abilities rest somewhere between slight and non-existent. He’s the type of comedian we’re supposed to laugh at simply because of his large visage, but laughing at someone’s weight is comedy of the shallowest order. James has starred in such abominations as Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Grown Ups and The Dilemma, but, if it can be believed, his newest film, Zookeeper, is his worst yet.

James plays Griffin, a zookeeper who is beloved by his animals. Five years prior, he popped the question to then-girlfriend, Stephanie, played by Leslie Bibb, but she shot him down because she was embarrassed by his occupation. Now, she has returned and Griffin once again finds himself falling for her. After overhearing a conversation one night, the animals learn that Griffin may be leaving the zoo. They’re none too happy with this news—besides, he’s the best zookeeper they’ve ever had—so they divulge their secret to him: they can talk. In an attempt to keep him around, they teach him mating techniques so he can snag the girl of his dreams without having to give up his job.

It would be easy to say that Zookeeper is absurd. Any movie with talking animals is, but as a colleague of mine pointed out, it’s weirder than usual and it gets weirder as it goes on. It’s strange enough watching James walk like a bear and learn to attract his mate with urine, but when the gorilla ends up at T.G.I. Friday’s, buys drinks for some cute ladies and ends up courting one of them, the film has clearly gone overboard. If anything can be said for it, Zookeeper doesn’t try to be anything other than what it is.

The problem is that what it is is a movie so desperate for laughs, it quickly resorts to tired slapstick and gross-out humor. In the first ten minutes alone, you’ll see Griffin fall over at least three times, break a tree limb that can’t carry his weight, get shot twice with porcupine quills and get splashed in the face with a lioness’s saliva. I suppose I should be grateful nobody gets covered in feces, especially given the nature of these types of films, but not throwing crap on someone comes off as faint praise for a movie with metaphorical smears all over it.

Zookeeper is juvenile, inane and utterly devoid of anything even remotely interesting, sure, but it’s surprisingly offensive as well, with traces of mild sexism and veiled homophobia throughout. While certainly minute in the big scheme of things, their diminutive nature makes them no less distasteful. For an entire scene, we watch as Griffin insults Stephanie and orders her to do things for him, playing up verbal abuse towards women as funny. Though not funny in any context, it’s especially shocking here given its PG rating and marketing towards children.

The only person treated with respect in the film is the zoo vet, played by Rosario Dawson, but even she is trapped in the archetypal “plain before pretty” role that has been outdated since Freddie Prinze Jr. fell for Rachael Leigh Cook in 1999’s She’s All That. It’s a shame because the filmmakers have gathered a great supporting voice cast that includes Nick Nolte, Adam Sandler, Sylvester Stallone, Cher, Judd Apatow, Jon Favreau, Maya Rudolph and Don Rickles, yet they are all squandered here, forced to recite insipid lines of dialogue about having thumbs and throwing poo. Frankly, it’s an embarrassing farce. Zookeeper is torturous, and that’s enough to make it one of the most unwatchable movies to be released this year.

Zookeeper receives 0.5/5

The Dilemma

Over the years, Ron Howard’s name has become synonymous with quality. While it would be hard to deny the talent he possesses both in front of and behind the camera, his last few cinematic ventures have been rocky. Aside from 2008’s Oscar nominated Frost/Nixon, films like The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons have shown a dip, but his latest, titled The Dilemma, makes those movies look like masterpieces. I cannot claim to have seen everything Mr. Howard has directed, but of the films I have, none are worse than this.

It’s a simple story. Ronny (Vince Vaughn) is in a happy relationship with his longtime girlfriend, Beth (Jennifer Connelly). His best friend, Nick (Kevin James) also seems to be happy with his wife, Geneva (Winona Ryder), but Ronny soon learns that Geneva is cheating on Nick with a guy named Zip (Channing Tatum). Although he wants to tell him, he’s afraid the information may interfere with their latest business endeavor that could net them a huge deal with a major automotive company, so he keeps it quiet, which leads to heaps of trouble.

So for the next two hours, we watch as Ronny lies to everybody around him, a frustrating screenplay tactic to force in as many wacky scenarios and awkward situations as possible. The Dilemma is one of those movies where all the main character has to do is tell the truth and everything would be fixed. Instead, his ill-advised decisions get dragged to the point where misunderstandings begin to repeat and redundancy kicks in.

If you ask me, deciding whether or not to tell your best friend that his wife is cheating on him is easy. You do it. As the film progressed, however, I wondered if it even mattered. New revelations about all of the characters popped up and I began to realize that, with the exception of Beth, none of them were truly innocent. All had skeletons in their closets, most of which are left shamefully unexplored, including Nick’s weekly visits to a local massage parlor where he may or may not have been receiving sexual favors. The characters are simply too unlikable for us to care whether or not they end up happy. They could have ended up in a gutter somewhere and I would have walked out emotionally the same.

The Dilemma claims to be a comedy, but laughs are non-existent and that’s no exaggeration. When it isn’t taking itself seriously as a laughably half-baked statement on the nature of love and marriage, it dabbles in what some may call jokes. Regardless of how you classify them, they all land flat on the ground like a skateboarder attempting a trick with only three wheels. Both Vaughn and James, two guys I have never found funny, try their hardest to be witty, but have no comedic chemistry. Rather than play off each other, they seem tied down to the script, which at its best is tolerable and at its worst is completely unfunny and painfully maudlin.

There’s something unpleasant about The Dilemma that I can’t quite put my finger on. It could be due to its cynical look at relationships or its borderline deplorable characters, but there’s no real reason to see it. Ron Howard has had an amazing career that isn’t even close to being finished, but he deserves better and so do you.

The Dilemma receives 1/5

Grown Ups

I like Adam Sandler. I really do. But I like him in a way that differs from most. I like him as an actor, a person who can embody a character and draw out emotion with ease. I don’t like him as the lowbrow funnyman the world has come to love. Despite solid performances in films like Spanglish, Punch-Drunk Love and Reign Over Me, he seems content to revert back to his old ways every so often. His latest, facetiously titled Grown Ups, features an ensemble cast isolated together in a cabin away from civilization where they will, predictably, grow as families and learn valuable life lessons.

The men in the families are longtime friends who grew up playing basketball together on Bobby “Buzzer” Ferdinando’s (Blake Clark) team. That team is the only one Buzzer has ever won a championship with so the kids all hold a special place in his heart. After his unfortunate death years later, the guys are reunited. There’s Lenny (Adam Sandler), a Hollywood agent in Los Angeles, Eric (Kevin James), the designated fat friend, Kurt (Chris Rock), the token black guy, Marcus (David Spade), the womanizing, alcohol abusing partier, and Rob (Rob Schneider), the wacky, “mystical” hippy friend who has a fetish for older women.

Those character descriptions, as simple as they are, also sum up the types of jokes in the movie. Eric is overweight, so most quips thrown his way are of the fat variety. The wisecracks directed at Rob have to do with his much too old wife. Pranks are pulled on Marcus when he passes out drunk and he wakes up in strange places. So on and so forth. Each character inhibits one personality trait and then takes a lashing from his friends about it.

If a character is too minor to have a personality, the filmmakers simply give that person a physical abnormality to joke on. For instance, Kurt’s mother-in-law is, inexplicably, with them at the cabin and she has something wrong with her toe, which is swelled up to the size of a golf ball. She is bombarded with harsh names like “Toe-J Simpson” and the like, but none are ever funny.

It’s a shame because Grown Ups tries so hard. The joke per second ratio is through the roof. When one character makes a crack at another, the rest of the friends join in on the verbal beatings. There are puns flying left and right from a mostly talented cast, yet so many go in one ear and out the other, if you’re lucky. Having one of those inane jokes stuck in your head could cause brain damage.

One important goal of comedies is to be fun. If the actors can show us how much they had on set, it might bleed through the screen to the audience. Grown Ups does this well. The five guys are clearly friends in real life and when they laugh onscreen, it feels genuine. They aren’t laughing because the script calls for them to, but rather because they simply can’t hold it in.

The problem is that while they’re clearly having a blast, the audience is not. None of the fun seeps through because the script isn’t there. This is one of those cases where I’d rather see a documentary about the making of the film because the behind-the-camera antics would surely be more rewarding.

Grown Ups receives 1/5